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Drugs? What drugs? Hide your dirty habits from everyone with these exercises customized to your illicit substance of choice. Pass your degree AND have fun.

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Picture this: It’s the morning after a big night out (the can’t- remember-what-happened kind of event), your head is pounding and you feel like death. But you have things to do today! Perhaps you have a weekend job that involves customer interaction. Or, maybe you have a Sunday dinner back home with Mum, Dad, Grandma and your pastor. Now, I’m not going to preach at you to ‘ease up on the beersies’, or give the mind-altering stuff a break while you study. You want to party with reckless, youthful abandon, right? You work hard during the week at uni, and you need that Friday or Saturday filled with revelries, rather than readings and responsibility. And so you shall. But, you have to be smart about it. Exercising is vital to maintaining a good-looking physique, even while you’re irreversibly fucking up your insides (but you don’t have to worry about that for, like, ages). Staying fit helps eliminate annoying lingering effects of anything you may have taken over the weekend, so you’re fresh and revitalised for any 8am lectures that may come your way and can study with a clear mind.

So, you like to go hard on the drinks. Ain’t nothing wrong with that, but when indulging in alcoholic beverages, remember that you’re borrowing happiness from tomorrow. As we all know, hangovers really suck (unless you don’t get them, feel free to soldier on). Headaches, nausea, tiredness, and a sense of regret from kissing multiple people you’re now unsure were all that attractive are common side effects of a few too many. To combat that groggy feeling, and give yourself a much needed boost of endorphins it’s important to get up and moving ASAP. Swimming is highly recommended by experts in this field, as it shocks your senses out of lethargy and into a more alert frame of mind. The cold water replaces your migraine with a much more preferable mild brain freeze, and washes away any shameful memories left over from the night.

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Another drug popular among students is marijuana. It’s all very well to appreciate the mind-blowing, other worldly amazingness of every single consumable item in your fridge/pantry/flat/friend’s house/the dairy down the road when you’re baked. But, when the THC wears off, the food will still be in your stomach and you may regret indulging in such ambitious munchies. Studies show that stoners can often get trapped in a cycle of smoking, playing video games and eating, so the most important thing you can do to keep motivation levels up, is to get out of the house. Anything from a short jog, bike ride or walk around the block is good for reminding you that there’s a world outside GTA and doritos. If you’re planning on exercising during or even slightly after blazing, be mindful that your hand-eye coordination may be slower than normal. Avoid things like hockey or ball sports, and keep it simple.

Everyone knows that shrooms and LSD are a great way to let off steam, and ‘see things from a different perspective’ over the weekend when you need an escape from your (let’s face it, rather shit) reality.  However, pesky flashbacks do tend to get in the way of information retention come Monday morning. When you’ve overdone the psychedelics, and are starting to see rainbows sprout from your pen a little too often for effective note taking, consider taking up strength training. There’s nothing like heavy metal bars and weights to bring you crashing back down to reality and it helps sweat any leftover poisonous toxins out of your body. Side-note – if you’re degree is a fairly creative one, ignore this. Some of the most successful people in the artistic industries (Steve Jobs, The Beatles, Angelina Jolie, Jim Morrison to name a few) were whacked out on acid or other drugs 24/7, or at least dabbled in hallucinogens. You might not pass your course, but you’ll be more successful than your classmates in the long run.

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Taking party pills like e and numerous other legal highs inadvertently transform you into a dancing god, giving you a great cardio workout. When you wake up at 5pm the next day your legs may be slightly achy from leaping up and down all night, so some gentle yoga is suggested in order to stretch your muscles and relieve any pain. If you really want to make the most of your extra energy, plan to go for a long run whilst on your ecstatic buzz. You don’t get any of the annoying things like stitch, cramps or that ‘tired’ sensation commonly associated with ‘sober running’ when on upper pills, so you’re free to run until your body literally drops from exhaustion. Be mindful that you may overheat and want to down a gallon of water during any exercise you choose to partake in. Don’t do this, as it’s just the chemicals screwing with your mind – you’re actually not dehydrated. Also, it’s possible to actually drown with the excess of water in your body. Just something to be aware of.

Now, moving on to the hard stuff. It’s generally not a good idea to physically harm yourself or anyone else at university (that is, if the idea of completing your degree in prison/rehab/psychiatric care doesn’t appeal.) Often, amphetamines like meth, heroin and crack can cause excessive aggression, paranoia and ultimately violence. Try a contact sport like rugby, kickboxing or lacrosse to take out your uncontrollable rage in a more socially acceptable way.

Experienced users suggest you avoid attending classes or studying when you’re on something, as concentration is usually inhibited. However, by following the correct fitness regime tailored to your favourite drug in your own free time, no-one will ever know your secret. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that taking drugs is a waste of your life ever again! You’ll show them.

Disclaimer: Results may vary

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About greentea2177

Studying Politics and Writing Studies in Auckland, NZ. Any feedback - harsh or kind regarding my writing is appreciated. I'm not interested in what you have to say about me personally, or my views.

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